FELTWELL DOCTOR
IAN NISBET
CONSIDERS INDIAN ENGLISH

Recently, Deannie and I spent a fortnight in our humble timeshare in India, Our friends, John and Kay Markham, came with us, having booked, more by accident than design, into a very prestigious hotel next door. You know the sort of place - on the seashore, set in 75 acres of beautiful gardens (true), lobby the size of Methwold (well, almost), wonderful room with complimentary notepad, mini-bar and kettle, staff everywhere and, most important, a complimentary daily newspaper!
The newspaper in question was
"The Navhind Times" costing  2.5 rupees (about 3p) and John was kind enough to pass his copies to me. They made wonderful reading and I would love to share a few gems with you. Many of you will know that I am fanatical about English grammar and that I become really distressed by the current destruction of the language, excused as acceptable because of common usage. The beauty about the Indian newspaper is that the language, although flowery and somewhat circuitous, is grammatically wonderful. "It is observed that the minibuses plying from Margao to Vasco are overcrowded to the maximum. Conductors do not have any sense

of dignity towards ladies and one can see passengers 'hanging and swinging'. There will be deaths due to accidents"
Another of my pet hates is canned music in public places and I belong to an organisation called "Pipedown" which is dedicated to the abolition of such music, with considerable success. "The residents of Chimbel  are under a cloud in view of the fact that, of late, they are victims of loud noise, i.e. Noise pollution which is emanating from all sorts of musical apparatus - loudspeakers and others which are indiscriminately operated without control of the volume. Noise pollution is a man-made nuisance which irritates one and all. Apparently, some of the locals have recently adapted to a funny and fancy fashion of switching on their amusement apparatus to the fullness of tone possible, without appreciating that this notorious noise is not only highly offensive to human, animal or plant life but also deadly damages the most important organ - the ear. The worst affected are the senior citizens and the sick, especially the cardiac patients. It is imperative to educate irresponsible persons and make them understand that life is worth living healthily and peacefully"
They also carry international news! An American woman had no need to fasten her seatbelt on a flight from Scandinavia to America after a high pressure vacuum flush

sealed her to the toilet seat of a Boeing 767. She got sucked in after pushing the flush button while seated, activating a system to clean the toilet by vacuum. The airline said "She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose. She was stuck there for quite a long time
A four year old Australian who set fire to his Adelaide home today will get a sound talking to from the fire brigade. He started the fire in his bedroom with the help of a cigarette lighter and did damage worth 70,000 dollars.A New Zealand woman whose drunken boss tried to bite her bottom in a bar but lost his false teeth in the process has lost a sexual harassment case because the episode occurred out of office hours.
Violent death seems to be endemic in the area. Every day, I counted 20 or 30 deaths in road accidents and many people are "strangulated" every day. A recreational activity turned out to be fatal for two schoolgirls as the rope of a swing on which they were playing twisted to form a knot around their necks. Anupama and Geetha were killed on the spot.
Another time, I shall tell you some of their jokes which are rather quaint!

Ian

Northwold Tennis Club
Pictured are some of the founder members of Northwold Tennis Club at their weekly Club Night.
Everyone is welcome  to join the Club whatever standard of tennis they play.
Beginners are especially welcome as coaching will be available during the summer (free to Juniors). The Club has started well with 52 members, of which 19 are juniors.
The Court has been constructed with grants from West Norfolk Borough

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